|
Raspberry
Alcopops |
Looking
Good?
|
|
| |
An man was drinking at the pub all
night. The bartender came up to him
and told him that the bar was closing, so the man stood up to leave and
fell
flat on his face.
He tried to stand up one more time with the same result, so he figured
he'd
just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air
and hopefully that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell again-right on his face, so
he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrived at
the
door
he tried one more time with the same results.
Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the
bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This
time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into
the bed
and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him
shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent
look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
|
A woman walked up to a little old
man rocking
in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's
your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said, "I
also
do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey
a week,
eat junk food, and never exercise, and do pills on the weekend."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
|
|
|
Mangled
English
|
103%
|
|
| |
All
genuine, apparently.
Tokyo: Please not to steal hotel towels. If you are not person
to do
such things, do not read this notis. You are invited to take advantage
of the chambermaid.
Yokohama: Please not more than six bodies in lift. If more than six,
lift may shreek or moan and give up ascent. If such, contact hotel
manager as soon as can.
Nagasaki: If telly vice in your room not perform, do not investigate
with screw pusher, you may get shocking electrics. Instead attack hotel
electric man.
Osaka: This lift was first all elevator built by Otis for use in Japan.
Very old and curious. Does not always perform sometimes will stop in
wrong place. If do so, shout in loud voice for hotel porter.
Kyushu: When enter lift, push nob for wishing floor. If lift do not stop
at wishing floor, do not push nob more. Wait till lift stop, then go
back to low floor and attempt second time. Cools and heats. If you want
just warm conditions in your room then you must control yourself.
Peking: If no room in lift, do not perform yourself. Resident coolie
make lift jump. Do not burn joss stick in bedroom. Mouses much like. If
mouses annoy, ask at desk for hotel cat.
Canton (Railway station): If late for train do not run along platform.
Train too fast, no catch.
Shanghai: Please not to dive in hotel swim pond. Bottom of pond very
hard, and not far from top of water. Please not to crack skull on bottom
of pond. If do so, alarm hotel manager at once.
Hong Kong (Supermarket): For your convenience we recommend courageous,
efficient self service. Our nylons cost more than common, but you find
they are best in the long run.
Bangkok (Dry cleaners): Drop your trousers here for best results.
Moscow: If this is your first visit to Russia, you are welcome to it.
Moscow (Notice near a cemetery): You are welcome to visit the graveyard
where famous composers, writers and artists are buried daily except
Thursdays.
Moscow (Newspaper in English): There will be an exhibition in Moscow
next month of arts by 200 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These
were all executed during the last three years.
Belgrade (Notice in a lift): To move the cabin push button for wished
floor. If the cabin should enter more persons each one should push a
button for wished floor. Driving is then going alphabetically in
national order.
Zurich: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in bedrooms, it is suggested the lobby be used for this.
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
Zagreb: the flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.
Vienna: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hall porter.
Bucharest: The lift is being fixed for the next day. In that time, we
regret that you will be unbearable.
Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of nine and 11 am daily.
Athens (Tailor's shop): Order your summer suit. Because of big rush we
will execute customers in strict order.
Rome (Dry cleaners): Ladies leave your clothes here and spend the day
having a good time.
Paris: Dresses for street walking. Please leave all your values at the
front desk.
Leipzig: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only if lit up.
Dresden: All food our own make. Limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in shape of finger.
Roast duck let loose. Rashers beaten up in country people style.
Budapest: Forbidden to hang out of hotel window. Person which do so will
be charge for clean up mess on footpath.
(Zoo notice): Do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food
give it to the guard on duty.
Mexico City: The manager has personally passed all the water served in
this hotel.
Copenhagen (Airport): We take your baggages and send them in all
directions.
France (On a train): Do not push yourself out of the window.
Germany (Campsite): It is strictly forbidden on this camping site that
people of different sex, such as men and women live together in one
tent, unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
Czechoslovakia (Tourist Agency): Take one of our horse driven city
tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
Thailand (Donkey trekking sign): How would you like to ride on your own
ass?
China (On a train): In carriage of eating do not sit on floor with legs
crossed, as in house. Sit on chair and eat from table. Servant girl
bring tea and uneatables.
Hong Kong (Restaurant menu): Fine roast pussy or rabbi with stir fry,
cook in wok $2.
Passable scrawny chicken with stir fry $1.50. Green tea per cup 20c.
Brown tea 20c. extra. Bring own chopsticks.
Prague (Notice in tramcars): Do not expect on floor. Is forbidden to
ride on steppes. Do not make speech with man makes tram go. Person
without ticket will be persecuted.
Japan (Car hire firm): When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the
horn. Tootle him gently at first, but if he still obstacle your passage
tootle him with vigour. Do not knock him down. You could be fined 1,000
yen.
|
We have all been to those meetings
where someone wants over 100%
Here's to achieveing 103% !!
Here's a little maths that might prove helpful in the future
What makes life 100% ??
IF: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then;
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only
But;
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
However;
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
Give it all you've got.
|
|
|
Homer
J Simpson
|
Sex
Therapy
|
|
| |
THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER
J. SIMPSON
”Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for Daddy’s, and kids with
fake IDs.”
”Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”
”You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you
had an electrified fooling machine.”
”Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important
to learn. It’s what separates
us from the animals! Except the weasel.”
”If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet
they’re about to announce
the lottery numbers.”
”To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life’s problems!”
”I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping
its speed over 50, and
if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, ‘The Bus
That Couldn’t Slow Down.’”
”I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you
through life: Number one,
‘Cover for me.’ Number two, ‘Oh, good idea, boss.’ Number three, ‘It was
like that when I got here.’”
”Marge, you’re as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.”
”Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty.
‘Dear Baby, welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.’ “
”Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time.
Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.”
”Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win
or lose: it’s how drunk you get.”
”Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn’t - it’s
that girls should
stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and
such and such.”
”Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every
day and do it really half-assed.
That’s the American way.”
”Stealing! How could you? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who
gives those
sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?” We live in a society of laws.
Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies?
For fun? Well I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?”
”Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!”
”Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘sir’ without adding, ‘you’re
making a scene.’ “
|
Two women had been having a friendly
lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some >sexual problems" Linda told
her friend.
That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going
to a sex therapist" said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary.
"But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed and they met met for lunch again. "So, how did the
sex therapy work out, Linda?"
"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical
exam, and afterward the doctor said
he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store
on the way home and buy a bunch
of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and
toss the grapes and donuts at
each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out
with his tongue. Every donut
that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful,
in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with
the same sex therapist.
After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom
into his office.
"I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely
you must have a
suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help
at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop
at the grocery store
and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios......"
|
|
|
Real
Dilbert Quotes
|
5
Cannibal Programmers
|
|
| |
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert
Quotes" contest.
They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type
managers.
Here are the Top Ten finalists:
1."As of tomorrow, employees will
only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures
will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in
two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,WA.)
2."What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we mightencounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
3."E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
be used only for
company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4."This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5."Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager,
Delco Corporation)
6."No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
working on it for months.
Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time
to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7.Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8.My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have
to miss work on
the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial
to Friday. He said,
"That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9.We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going
to discuss
it with the employees."(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10.One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning
a project I was working on.
I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it
tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"(New business
manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards) ffice.
"I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. But doctor,"
Mary complained,
"You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion
for us! Please,
please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
|
Five cannibals get appointed as
programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says:
"You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you
can go to the company
canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees".
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says:
"You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you.
One of our cleaners has
disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the
boss has left, the leader of the
cannibals says to the others:
"Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of
the cannibals says:
"You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and
project managers
and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU have to go and eat the cleaner!"
|
|
|
Another
Pearly Gate
|
Sneezy
|
|
| |
Two Blondes waiting at the Pearly
Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" The first blonde asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first blonde.
"How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. You get the
shakes, and you get pains in all
your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You
get numb and you kind of drift off,
as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" ask the second
blonde.
"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde.
"You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up
at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down
to the basement, but no one
was hiding there, either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding
there either. I ran as fast as I
could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack
and died."
The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity - if you had only looked
in the freezer,
we'd both still be alive."
|
A man and a woman are sitting beside
each other in the first class section of the plane.
The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders
quite violently in her seat.
The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.
A few minutes pass.
The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and
shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue,
gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the women and says,"Three
times you've sneezed
and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered
violently! Are you sending me
signals, or are you going crazy?"
The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition
and when I sneeze, I have an
orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says,
"I've never heard of that before.
What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
|
|
|
Sunburn
|
Only
The Best
|
|
| |
A man was on holiday in the Caribbean
and liking the continual good weather settled
down for a day's sunbathing.
He fell asleep and after a whole day his legs were sunburnt beyond belief.
He could hardly stand for the pain so he went to the doctor for treatment.
The doctor looked at his sunburnt legs and said, "Well, you realize that
this is only a small
village surgery and in reality I've really got nothing at all to help
you. However, try this," and
gives him one tablet of Viagra.
So the man said, "But I've got acute sunburn. What's a Viagra tablet going
to do?"
The doctor said, "Basically, nothing at all for the sunburn but it will
help keep the sheets
off of your legs tonight."
|
The best entries from genuine job
applications.
1) "I have lurnt Word Perfect computor and spreassheet pogroms."
2) "I am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever make mistakes."
3) "I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4) "Reason for leaving last job: - Maturity Leave."
5) "I have an excellent track record although I am not a horse"
6) "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
7) "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
8) NB "Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping". I have never
quit a job."
9) "My goal is to be a meteorologist, but as I have no training in meteorology
I suppose I should try the insurance industry."
10) "Personal interests - Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
The best requests why an ambulance was requested for routine hospital
visits.
1) "I'm under the doctor and can't breathe."
2) "I can't breathe and haven't done so for years."
3) "I am unable to walk now as my dog has died."
4) "I have got arthritis and heart failure in both feet."
5) "My husband is dead and won't bring me."
6) "I want transport as bus drivers do funny things to me and make me
feel queer."
7) "I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down and your clinic is up."
8) "I can come anytime that suits you, but not mornings as I don't feel
too good. I can't come
on Mondays or Wednesdays as my home help comes and not on Friday as the
butcher calls for his money.
I can't come on a Tuesday as my sister calls. Other than that any time
suits."
9) "I need transport as I have funny feet."
10) "I hope you will send your driver as my husband is useless."
|
|
|
Scousers
|
10
Reasons God Made Woman
|
|
| |
A scouser is crossing the road one
day, and he gets hit by a bus and killed.
So off he goes up to heaven, and as he approaches the pearly gates he
sees
the figure of St Peter awaiting him on the other side. "And where dost
thou hail from good fellow?"
asked Peter.
"Liverpool" said the scouser.
St. Peter's brow furrowed; "Ah, tough then, we don't let scousers in here,
you want downstairs..."
"But I'm a good scouser!" protested the bin dipper.
"Prove it" was Peter's reply.
"Well, this morning I was walking down the street and a man was collecting
for
Oxfam - I gave him £2" said the scouser.
"Not good enough" scowled Peter.
"Okay, well later that day I saw an old lady miss her bus, and I gave
her a fiver to catch a taxi
with her shopping"
"Hmm, still not good enough..." said Peter.
"Well, as I was on my way home I saw this homeless guy begging for food
- so I gave him a
tenner to buy some dinner, surely this proves I am a good man."
"Hmm" said Peter; "Just a minute and I'll go and see the big man and see
what I can do..."
So off went Peter into the clouds. Fifteen minutes passed, then another
thirty minutes and eventually,
after an hour and a half, the figure of St Peter re-emerges from the clouds.
"I've spoken to him upstairs and we've managed to come to a solution."
said Peter with a smile.
"Great!" said the scouser "does that mean I can get into heaven now"
"No" said St Peter - "Here's your £17 back, now f*** off!"
|
10. God was worried that Adam would
frequently become lost in the garden because he would
not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand
him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when
his wore out.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut
appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on
the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able
to
handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left
his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught
him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve . .
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched
his head, and said,
"I can do better than that."
|
|
|
Florida
Blonde
|
Declan
The Humble Crab
|
|
| |
A ventriloquist is touring clubs
in Florida.
With his dummy on his knees, he's going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes when a blonde woman in the audience stands on her chair and shouts,
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the colour of
a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys
like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and from
reaching our full potential!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to apologize, when the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard sittin'
on your knee!"
|
Declan the humble crab and Kate
the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in love.
For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled
over to Declan in tears.
"We can't see each other anymore..."she sobbed.
Why?" gasped Declan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common", she wailed. "He claims you are
a mere crab and a poor one at
that and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean...and that no daughter
of his will marry someone who
can only walk sideways."
Declan was shattered and scuttled sideward away into the darkness and
to drink himself into a filthy state of
aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place.
Lobsters came from far and wide,
dancing and merry making, but the Lobster Princess refused to join in,
choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters
all stopped their dancing, the
Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly,
Declan the crab made
his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking, not
sideways, but FORWARD!!!
One crab claw after another!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally
looked King Lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush.
Finally, Declan spoke.......
..."Fuck me, I'm pi$$ed".
|
|
|
Five
Affairs
|
An
Easy Guide to Political Ideologies Using Two Cows
|
|
| |
First Affair
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged
daughters.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After
months of trying, the
Wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy
baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one
look and was horrified to see the
ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there
was no way that he could be the
father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around
on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he discovered
the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off
to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has
to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to
remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first
person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened
his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry!"
she said, "Stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with
talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're
a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought
one for their bedroom.
I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the
statue, not even later that night
when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later
with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot
at the Smiths' for three days, and
nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The Fourth Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy. The
barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice
juicy T-bone steak,
with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?"
inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he
doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky,"
he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent.
"Becky," he said in his
tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing
to confess,"
replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her
best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."
|
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your
lord takes some of the milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both,
hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of
them,
and you all share the milk.
APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them,
but the government takes all the milk.
MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots
you.
The government turns your cows into thousands of pairs of shoes.
TIN POT DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows.
The government takes both, shoots you, and sends the cows to Zurich.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the
milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.
Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government
fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you
vote for it.
After the election, the President is impeached for speculating in cow
futures.
The press dubs the affair "Cowgate." The cows sue you for breach of contract.
BUSH DEMOCRACY: The son of the last Republican President promises to protect
you and
your two cows under an impenetrable "missile shield" if you vote for him.
You vote for his rival,
but he still gets in. The economy grinds to a halt, your pastures are
turned over to oil exploration
companies, and both of your cows, formerly valued at millions on the NASDAQ,
are sold by
your investors to recoup their tech stock losses. The Military-Industrial
Complex still receives
billions in corporate welfare to develop cow-based defenses ("fetchez
la vache") that don't
work but antagonize your neighbors.
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains, and
they go mad.
The government does not do anything.
EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first, the government regulates
what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not
to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and
pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms
accounting for the missing cows.
PURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
APPLIED CAPITALISM: You ship both of your cows to the developing world
and pay peanuts to have them milked there by children. You then ship the
milk back to your own country and pay expensive PR companies millions
to create a happy smiley image for your McCorporation and do very, very
well.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your
publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law
at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general
offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping
five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian
intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed
company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with
an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad
feng shui.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies
they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership"
is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged
(but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like ... these two cows, man. You have
"got" to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.
|
|
|
How
to impress the opposite sex..
|
Famous
Quotes
|
|
| |
How To Impress A Woman
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy her things,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.
How To Impress A Man
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
|
1) "Women might be able to fake
orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
(Sharon Stone)
2) Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're
in."
(Courtney Cox - Monica on "Friends")
3) "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently
doing quite well for themselves."
(Jerry Garcia)-(Grateful Dead)
4) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
(Barbara Bush)-(Former US First Lady)
5) ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet.
(Robin Williams)
6) Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
(Billy Crystal)
7) Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house.
(Rod Stewart)
8) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the their hand,
we can open all our own jars."
(Bruce Willis)-(On the difference between men and women)
9) "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
(George Burns)
10) "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
(Carmen Boyle)-(Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)
11) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
(Henry Kissenger)-(former US Secretary of State)
2) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."
(Steve Jobs)-(Founder: Apple Computers)
13) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the
natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
(Dan Rather)-(News anchorman)
14) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid
problem?"
(Arnold Schwarzenegger)
15) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black
men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
(Tiger Woods)
16) "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
(Axel Rose)-(Guns'n'Roses)
17) "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
(Rev. Jesse Jackson)
18) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
(Jack Nicholson)
19) Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself.
(Roseanne)
20) According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing
in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They
say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful.
(Robert De Niro)
21) In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra.
Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention
to women's breasts?
(Hugh Grant)
22) There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men
are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?
(Dustin Hoffman)
24) There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think,
"I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfield)
25) AND THE NUMBER ONE QUOTE IS See, the problem is that God gives men
a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
(Robin Williams)
|
|
|
Take
Notes Boys..
|
Wiley
Old Dog...well rooster actually...
|
|
| |
Psychologists say these are some
key words women use and what they mean:
Fine:
This is the word used at the end of any argument that they feel they are
right about but need to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have
one of those arguments.
Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football
game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside
out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument
that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing"
and will end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You
will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes"
when she cools off.
Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot
at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing".
Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the
few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best
bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
Oh:
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get
that", or "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night".
If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest
exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your
clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least
2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are
caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will
get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that
I can't bring myself to write about them.
That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's
Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with
a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she
has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Please Do:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance
to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever
it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so
be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
Thanks:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
Thanks A Lot:
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot"
when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt
her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful
not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell
you "Nothing". And you know what THAT means!
|
A farmer goes out one day and buys
a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts
over to the old rooster and says, "Ok old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
hens!, Look what it has done to me!, Can't you just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! you are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around
the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
chicken coop,"
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man,
so just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse
and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches
behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting
in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running
by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn it...third gay rooster
I bought this month,"
|
|
|
Typical
|
Noah's
Ark (This one is bad..)
|
|
| |
A woman was out golfing one day
when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look
for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her,: "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog.
The frog said,: "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition
to your wishes - whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times
more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish, she wanted to
be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that woman will
flock to.
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will only have eyes for me."? So, KABBAM - she's the most
beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world
and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KABBAM - she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like
a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are vindictive. Don't mess with them.
|
One day God calls down to Noah and
says "Noah me old china, I wants you to make me a new Ark."
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want -
after all, you're the boss."
But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not
just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!" screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should
I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well...sort of right...this time I want you to fill
it up with fish" God answers.
"Fish?" Queries Noah.
"Yep, fish...well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to
wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right,
you want a New Ark?"
"Check."
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Check."
"And you want it full of Carp?"
"Check."
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the
end of his tether.
"Dunno," says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Story Carp Ark"
|
|
|
It
Makes You Wonder.....
|
Potential
|
|
| |
When his 38-calibre revolver failed
to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California,
robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered
down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned,
this time it worked.
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine
and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance
company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to
have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The
chef's claim was approved.
A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken
the space. Understandably, he shot her dead.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found
that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare
to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver
went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff
that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged
with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E Richardson. According
to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of
Russian Roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put a semi-automatic
pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet
ALWAYS loads into the firing chamber of a semi-automatic.
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received
the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
|
A young boy went up to his father
and asked, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father pondered for a while, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back
and tell me what you have learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied "Of course I would.
I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his
sister and said, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would be
nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".
The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his
dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially
and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars,
but realistically we're living with two slappers." The father replied,
"That's my boy!" l
|
|
|
Be
Well Informed
|
Scotland
vs England
|
|
| |
A priest was driving along and saw
nun on the side of the road he stopped and offered her a lift which she
accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and
reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing
gear lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says "Father remember
psalm 129".
The priest apologises profusely and removes his hand but is unable to
remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has
oggled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the
leg again. The Nun once again says "Father remember psalm 129" Once again
the priest apologises "Sorry sister but you know the flesh is weak".
Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way.
Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up psalm
129 it said :
"GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"
MORAL OF THE STORY IN YOUR JOB YOU SHOULD ALWAYS
BE WELL INFORMED OR YOU MIGHT MISS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY.
|
Three Scotsmen and three Englishmen
were travelling to a football game.
The three English each buy train tickets and watch as the three Scots
buy only a single ticket. "How are the three people going to travel on
only one ticket?", asks an Englishman.
"Watch and you'll see", says a Scotsman. They all board the train. The
English take their respective seats but all three Scots cram into a toilet
and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please!" The door
opens a crack, a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor
takes it and moves on. The English see this and agree it was quite a clever
idea.
So after the game they decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and
save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket
for the return trip. To their astonishment the Scots don't buy a ticket
at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Englishman.
"Watch and you'll see", replies a Scotsman.
When they board the train the three Englishmen cram into a toilet and
the three Scots cram into another toilet nearby.
Once the train leaves the station, one of the Scots leaves and walks over
to the other toilet where the English are hiding, knocks on the door and
says, "Ticket please!"
|
|
|
Cuckoo
|
Ethics
|
|
| |
The other night I was invited out
for a night with the lads.
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ... promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when
smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve
o'clock.
She didn't seem disturbed at all. Phew! Got away with that one! She then
told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said "oh fuck", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.
|
A laywer is speaking to his son
about ethics.
"Suppose son, that one day a gentleman comes into my office with a simple
question. Upon answering the man's question, I charge him $100.00. He
is outraged at the bill for such a simple question but agrees to pay.
The man reaches in his wallet and grabs a hundred dollar bill and thrusts
the money into my hand. Upon his leaving, I notice that the man has, in
fact, given me two $100.00 bills.
Now the ethical question: Do I share that money with my partner?"
|
|
|
Understanding
Engineers
|
Rocks
|
|
| |
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson
One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I
was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman
rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her
clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to
be.
|
A philosophy professor stood before
his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly
he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with
rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar
was full?
They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into
the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into
the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if
the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor
picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand
filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your
life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner,
your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and
only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house,
your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the
sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks.
The same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never
have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the
things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take
time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will
always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and
fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really
matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then a student then took the jar which the other students and the
professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of
course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the
jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is:- no matter how full your life is, there is
always room for more BEER.
|
|
|
Newsflash
|
David
Beckham
|
|
| |
SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST
AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY
SAN FRANCISCO - The UK Paper The Daily Telegraph spoke to Jay Fullmer,
38, who became the first American to get to grips with the concept of
irony yesterday.
"It was weird," Fullmer said, "I was in London and, like, talking to this
guy and it was raining and stuff and he said, like, great weather, or
something like that." Said Fullmer: "And I thought - wait a minute, it's
like, no way is it great weather." Fullmer soon realised that the other
man's 'mistake' was deliberate. "This guy was pretty cool about it," Fullmer
said.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and
3, planned to use irony himself in future.
"I'm like saying it all the time." he said. "Last weekend I was like grilling
steaks and I like burned the crap out of them and I said 'great weather'."
|
Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham
into his office. 'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance
the last few games. You've been hopeless, completely off form.'
'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few
problems at home.'
'Oh dear,' says Ferguson, pretending to care. 'What's up? Posh and Brooklyn
okay?'
'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really bugging
me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football
and it's really messing me up.'
'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Fergie.
'Well, boss', says David, 'it's pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck
on this jigsaw and...'
'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Alex. 'You're fucking up every time you play because
of a bloody jigsaw?!!!'
'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!'
says David in that horrible whining voice. 'It's really hard and it's
this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure
I've got all the bits and everything but I just get it right and it's
doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down
and...'
'David, David, David,' says Ferguson. 'You've got to get a grip. It's
affecting our games and nothing is as important as Manchester United's
success, other than Roy Keane's wages, obviously.'
'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and it looks
really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really
hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture.. and it's a tiger
and it's hard...and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's really hard,er,
boss and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box...er...boss.'
Ferguson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating himself and
has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual.
'David,' he says, with that conceited, irritating, smug smile he uses
for self-congratulatory post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw
in and let's have a look at it. For goodness' sake, we've got to get you
back to playing football.'
'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's really
hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my head in, that tiger
is.'
So David brings the jigsaw into Ferguson's office. 'Here it is, boss.'
he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box.
'Look, boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and
everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing
my head in and it's this picture here of a tiger,' and Beckham empties
all the pieces from the box all over Ferguson's desk.
Ferguson looks at what's on his desk and the feint dusty cloud now hanging
over it.
He looks up at David Beckham....
'David, put the fu**ing Frosties back in the box.'
|
|
|
Computer
Blips (check the last one)
|
Does
He Love Me?
|
|
| |
A woman called the Canon help desk
with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running
it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door.
But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is
under a window, and his is working fine."
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back
to
the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
Customer in computer shop:
"Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm
a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well, that's
just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-" Customer:
"I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a
filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: {click}
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" Customer: {pause} "Wow!
How'd you learn how to do that?"
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for
about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't
solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine,
which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta,
and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but
green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for
yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete
and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help;
they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer
to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should
I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support
number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer."
On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the
screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.
And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in
the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained
that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when
we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation
that had gone terribly wrong. Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from
work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are
"not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?" Customer: "As I put each disk
in it turns out they weren't initialized" Tech Support: "Do you remember
the message exactly, ma'am?" Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This
is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank.
And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive;
the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks
for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message
every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password
in capital letters.
Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
Email from a friend:
"CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed
a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms
crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes
he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently
tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied "It's about
time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant
user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need
to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system
startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the
right command..
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain
the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he
was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but
there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the CONFIG.SYS
file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes..
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the
customer...
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include
NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let
me know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion? Customer: Well, I called
Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking
me questions about the make of the power supply...
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...
|
HER SIDE OF THE STORY
He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been
because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The
conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere
more intimate so we could talk more privately.
So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm
trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something
else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So
anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just
puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because
you know he doesn't say it back or anything.
We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump
me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.
Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes,
he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so
afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I
dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think
he's met someone else???
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY
England lost. Got a shag though.
|
|
|
Top
5 Most Feared Questions
|
More
Dismal Selections
|
|
| |
The 5 questions most feared by men
are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that everyone is guaranteed
to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,
tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed
below, along with possible responses.
QUESTION #1: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been quiet
dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring,
intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which
most likely is one of the following:
1. Sports.
2. Sex.
3. How fat you are.
4. How much prettier she is than you.
5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who
once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be
talking to you!"
QUESTION #2: DO YOU LOVE ME?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
1. Oh yeah, shitloads.
2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
3. That depends on what you mean by love.
4. Does it matter?
5. Who? Me?
QUESTION #3: DO I LOOK FAT?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect
answers are:
1. Compared to what?
2. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
4. I've seen fatter.
5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.
QUESTION #4: DO YOU THINK SHE'S PRETTIER THAN ME?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
1. Yes, but you have a better personality.
2. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
3. Not as pretty as you were when you were her age.
4. Define pretty.
5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.
QUESTION #5: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I DIED?
A definite no-win question. The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette
and Boat". No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an
hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not? Don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (WITH A HURTFUL LOOK ON HER FACE) Would you sleep with
her in our bed ?!
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures
of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
Woman: ---silence---
Man: shit.
|
Taxidermist
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody
sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around
and says: "You ain't from around here,are ya....... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's
one of us!"
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand
in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when
you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real
disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem.
The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice
is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both
counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her
if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage
in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation
at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men
saying the following; "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they
come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come
again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more." "You fowl-mouthed swine,"
retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our
sex lives in public!"
Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun my friend howa
to spella Mississippi."
A doctor and his wife were having an argument at breakfast. "You aren't
so good in bed either!" the doctor shouted and stormed out of the door
off to work. By midmorning he decided that he would try to make amends
and called home. After many rings his wife finally picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"I was getting a second opinion."
|
|
|
Darwin
Awards 2000-2001
|
(American)
English Language
|
|
| |
The Darwin Awards, for those not
familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of
the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have
a chance to breed.
1. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into
the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
house down, killing both him and his sister.
2. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying
to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military
gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached
in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a one end of
a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other
end was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause
of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances
of his death to his family very awkward.
3. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when Another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
their ankles.
4. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details
before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was
not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the
couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start
CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived
and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital
- the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the
man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over,
they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man had a habit
of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between
two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons).
According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one
of the sanders, electrocuting him.
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and
killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified
for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention
had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently
beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct
buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
6. A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus
straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police
said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together,
wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle
at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael,
a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because
his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled
was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground", Carmichael
said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma".
7. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and
a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend - no doubt, a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalised.
8. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing
all potential sources of ignition lights, power, etc. After the building
had been evacuated, two technicians from the Gas Company were dispatched.
Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating
in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked (you can
see what's coming, can't you?). Witnesses later described the sight of
one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object,
which resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to
three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter
was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of
causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
|
This little treatise on the lovely
language we share is only for the brave. It was passed on by a linguist,
original author unknown. Peruse at your leisure, USA English lovers.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass(?) was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. In English english = dived
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English
for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can
work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't
fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth
is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So
one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but
not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all
but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers
praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship
by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why,
when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible.
P.S. Why doesn't "buick" rhyme with "quick"?
|
|
|
Initials
Reveal Sexual Identity..
|
Pensioner
Sperm (ateotd)
|
|
| |
According to studies, the first
letter of your first name reveals your
sexual identity... What do you think?
My sympathies to anyone whose name begins with N ; )
-A-
You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You
mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience
for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy,
cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it
comes to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints. Your mate's
physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and
challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as
well
as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go
around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary
concern.
-B-
You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined,
and
dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the
affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper
your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments and
particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until
everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and
abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences.
You are willing to experiment.
-C-
You are a very social individual, You must be able to talk to your sex
partner before. You want the object of your affection to be socially
acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion.
You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost
worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go
for
long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling
your
desires and doing without.
-D-
Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam
ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing
and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly
sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes
possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are
stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open.
-E-
Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you
have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or
you
are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion
for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a
good
argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot,
for
the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once
you
give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have
a
good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book.
(Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.)
-F-
You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You
look
for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once omitted,
you
are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate.
Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born
romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You
can
be a very generous lover.
-G-
You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover.
You
respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one
who
can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak
of
erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be
extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties
and
responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have
difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting
close sexually.
-H-
You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You
will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a mitment.
Your
gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment,
though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and
equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient
lover.
-I-
You have a great need to be loved, appreciated... Even worshipped. You
enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers
who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless
that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your
desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of
sexual expression. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and
change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright
lustful.
-J-
You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner
is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of
love
and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners,
provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that
your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it
difficult to sustain the well. Only you see her. You require loving,
cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.
-K-
You are totally fucking marvelous!
-L-
You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love
means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who
have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savior. You are
sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love.
You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell
others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.
-M-
You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw
your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred.
You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and
intense.. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try
anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible.
You
also enjoy mothering your mate.
-N-
You are crap in bed.
-O-
You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about
your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making
money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of
celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring
the
same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand
intensity diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes
your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.
-P-
You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing
anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count,
therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an
intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy;
a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are free of sexual hang-ups.
You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are
very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of
physical gratification.
-Q-
You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical
energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or
otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people
of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots
of
conversation to turn you on and keep you going.
-R-
You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who
can
keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the
better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great
body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have
to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not
bed, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be
a
very demanding playmate.
-S-
You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual,
and
passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will
this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the
nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the
trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very
seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the
right person to come along.
-T-
You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner
who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you
on.
You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily.. When
in
love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You
enjoy
having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased..
You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams,
oftentimes all in your own head.
-U-
You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you
are
in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance
as
a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom.
You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy
seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire
instant gratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures
above your own.
-V-
You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement.
You
wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Swing someone
means psyching him/ her out. You feel a need to get into his head to see
what makes him/ her tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often
there
is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger,
thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself
may not be a participant.
-W-
You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer
when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic,
and
often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really
is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships.
Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.
-X-
You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle
more
than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind.
You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs,
all
by yourself, in your own head.
-Y-
You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your
way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your
relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to
physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching,
feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money,
you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to
prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want
feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic
bedmate.
-Z-
For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in any way bothered
by
career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and
get
into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are
capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions.
You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and
your
body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick
like
glue.
|
There is this really old guy, like
80 years old. He comes into a hospital and says : "I wanna donate some
sperm."
So the nurse gives him a jar and tells him to come back tomorrow with
the sperm.
The next day, he came back but the jar was empty. So, the nurse asks "What
happened? Where's the sperm?"
Well, he replies : "I went home and I tried so hard! I used my right hand
and then my left hand. Then my wife tried! She used her right hand and
then she try use her left hand too! Then she used her mouth, once using
her teeth and once without.
Then we asked our neighbour to come over and she tried with her left hand
and then her right hand too. Then she tried with her mouth, once with
her teeth and once without."
The nurse gasps ....."Oh dear! You even asked your neighbour!"
The man says......"Yeah....and we still couldn't get the jar open!"
|
|
|
New
Banking Facilities
|
Fbive
O
|
|
| |
HSBC Bank is installing new "Drive-thru"
cash point machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving
their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility, the following
procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies
to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for
when you use the machine for the first time.
MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
. 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6 Wind up window.
7 Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine.
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
3 Re-start the stalled engine.
4 Wind down the window.
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6 Turn the radio down.
7 Attempt to insert card into machine.
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
9 Insert card.
10 Re-insert card the right way up.
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required.
15 Check make-up in rear view mirror.
16 Retrieve cash and receipt.
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book.
19 Re-check make-up again.
20 Drive forwards 2 meters.
21 Reverse back to cash machine.
22 Retrieve card.
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided.
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
26 Smell burning - release handbrake.
This transmission has been issued by a member of the HSBC group ("HSBC")
for the information of the addressee only and should not be reproduced
and / or distributed to any other person. Each page attached hereto must
be read in conjunction with any disclaimer which forms part of it. Unless
otherwise stated, this transmission is neither an offer nor the solicitation
of an offer to sell or purchase any investment. Its contents are based
on information obtained from sources believed to be reliable but HSBC
makes no representation and accepts no responsibility or liability as
to its completeness or accuracy.
|
A police officer pulls a guy over
for speeding and has the
following exchange:
Officer:
May I see your driver's license?
Driver:
I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer:
May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver:
It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer:
The car is stolen?
Driver:
That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer:
There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver:
Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman
who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer:
There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver:
Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car
was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the
driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain:
Sir, can I see your license?
Driver:
Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain:
Who's car is this?
Driver:
It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain:
Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun
in it?
Driver:
Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain:
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a
body in it.
Driver:
No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver:
Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
|
|
|
The
Leakest Wink
|
The
Right Man For The Job
|
|
| |
R u the weakest link ?
I am going to ask you three questions. And you have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time you have to answer immediately. O. K.?
Let's find just how clever you really are ........ Ready? GO !!!!!
First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second.
What position do you finish?
NOW! See the answer below..
Answer: If you answer that you arrived first, then you are absolutely
wrong!!! because you overtake the second and you take his place so you
arrived second!!! !!
To answer the second question don't take as much time as you took for
the first question. Second Question: If you overtake the last then you
arrive...?
Answer: If you answer that you arrived second last then you are wrong
again. Tell me, how can you overtake the last if he was last!!!! The question
is wrong! You're not very good at this are you???
Third Question Subject: *Very very Tricky maths! Note: This riddle must
be done IN YOUR HEAD ONLY and NOT using paper and a pen. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Another
1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total? (scroll down for answer)
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don' t believe
it? Check with your calculator! The decimal sequence confuses our brain,
that always jumps to the highest decimals (100s instead of 10s).
You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
|
The Perfect Employee?
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd
numbered lines.
|
|
|
Outraged
(from Bristol) - Someone pass this man a reef..
|
Yeah,
I Live In....
|
|
| |
This is a genuine letter which appeared in the Bristol Evening News
after last years riots. Please do take the time to read it. It is
clearly a work of genius and simply put, the writer should be
knighted............
Dear Sir,
It has long been my belief that you should only be allowed to protest
in public if you pay income tax. And you should only be allowed to vote
at the ballot box if you own property. Sensible policies, both. And tested
in time, too. If only Mr. Blair had thought to bring about these simple
changes in the law, he would have avoided last week's double embarrassment
of Red Ken's election and the rioting soap-dodgers. Perhaps it's me,but
could
someone explain why people who campaign for animal rights would throw
bottles at police horses? Or why Friends of the Earth supporters would
want to dig up the grass in a perfectly adequate London square? Or why
anti-capitalists thought nicking the till out of a burger bar was a
political statement? Or why campaigners for freedom would desecrate a
shrine
to the very people who fought and died for that freedom? Whata bunch of
immature, selfish, hypocritical idiots. Bring down the State? Better not,
Tarquin (fudgefucker <G>). The State provides your giro and your
housing benefit, you work-shy
moron. What would you do without that little green cheque every other
Thursday? Somebody has to pay for the extra-strong cider and multiple
nose
piercings. It makes me sick. If a bunch of football fans had pulled a
stunt
like that, they'd have been banged up before you could say CS gas. But
this
gang of middle-class warriors was allowed to deface national monuments
while
the police looked on. Mind you, Winston Churchill with a green Mohican
haircut would have scared the wotsername out of Adolf Hitler.
My comments on the moral values of travellers seem to have ruffled a few
feathers amongst the bleeding-heart Lefties who live like leeches on the
publicly-funded fat of our society. One enraged correspondent (it must
have
been his turn to have the crayons this week) accuses me of using "intemperate
and exaggerated language", says people like me should be exterminated
and
then likens me to Adolf Hitler. Pot, kettle, black, old pal. Another wailing
Willy,
who was obviously off sick the day they did irony at school, challenges
me to
produce hard evidence to support my claim that gypsies steal babies.
Evidence? Of course there's no evidence. It's all covered up by a conspiracy
of
Masonic magistrates, policemen and politicians, aided and abetted by a
secret sect of corrupt district nurses. Somewhere in Essex, there's a
warehouse full of stolen babies. They're brought up by retired lap dancers
and then they go off to be prison officers. Stick that in your meat-free
pipe and smoke it, you monument of mediocrity.
My final correspondent (green ink, pressed down VERY HARD so that it comes
through the back of the white weave Basildon Bond) argues that travellers
are people too and have the right to live just as they want. Half right,
mate. Travellers have the right to live as they want as long as they abide
by the rules that bind the rest of us. That means paying road tax, paying
council tax and buying a television licence. It means paying for a plot
of
land on which to live and paying income tax on the proceeds of patching
up
all those dodgy driveways. It means obeying the law, rather than laughing
at it. And the sooner the hand-wringing apologists on most councils
realise this, the better. My doctor has forbidden me to read The Guardian
on the grounds that it does terrible things to my blood pressure, but
I
sneaked a look last week to see the following: "Burglars are people. For
the most part, young people, even teenagers. From their point of view
burglary must be fun as well as a way of making a few quid." Fun? Fun?
What are they on? (nabext logic) What a bunch of lily-livered, social-working,
leather-elbowed windbags. Fun? Just ask an old lady who's been terrorised,
had her last few possessions stolen and who now lives in permanent fear.
Fun? Just ask anyone who has to pay sky high insurance premiums because
the cops would rather catch drivers eating Kit Kats than tattooed scrotes
running off with your video recorder. I'll give them fun, these poor
lambs. Any sticky-fingered yobbo coming within a hundred yards of
Beelzebub Mansions will get to play a game currently popular amongst
country dwellers. It's called Reasonable Force and involves a teenage
thief, a baseball bat and a five iron.
Yours faithfully,
Barry Beelzebub*
* The views of Mr. Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily
reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, or anyone
who thinks our new cabinet-style council will result in more openness,
of
anyone who thinks Jez Quigley is hard, or of the snotty-nosed schoolboy
in
the back of the Volvo estate who stuck two fingers up at me this morning.
Your Dad's phone number was painted on the side, Sonny. And I'm ringing
him tonight.
|
If you are a citizen of New York or London you probably are proud of
telling people that you live in New York (big up WTC massives) or London.
However, suppose
you are living in one of the places mentioned below.
Do you then also tell others 'Yeah, I live in....'
Shafter (California, USA)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Shaglingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Bastard (Norway)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Fukum (Yemen)
Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Turdo (Romania)
Seymen (Turkey)
Wanks River (Nicaragua)
Wankandorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
Tittybong (Australia)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Dikshit (India)
|
|
|
School
Humour
|
The
Butcher Dance (x0 rating of -2)
|
|
| |
Nothing better than a teacher with
quick wit......
A high school English teacher reminds her class of
tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class there would be no excuse for not
showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the
student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What
about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Not an excuse. Write with your other hand."
|
A guy spent five years traveling
all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end
of this time, he had every single native dance of every indigenous culture
in the world on film -- or so he thought. He wound up in Australia, in
Alice Springs, so he popped into a pub for a well earned beer.
He got talking to one of the local Aborigines and told him about his project.
The Aborigine asked the guy what he thought of the Butcher Dance.
"Butcher Dance?" he said, confused. "What's that?"
"What? You didn't see the Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
"Mate, you're crazy," the Aborigine replied. "How can you say you filmed
every native dance if you haven't seen the Butcher Dance?"
"Umm. I got a Corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you
mean?"
"No, no. The Butcher Dance is much more important than the Corroborree."
"Oh," the man said, his curiosity piqued. "Well how can I see this Butcher
Dance then?"
"Mate, the Butcher Dance is way out in the wilderness. It'll take you
many days of travel to go see it."
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest
darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances.
Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."
"Ok, mate," the Aborigine replied, shrugging. "You drive north along the
highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you'll see a dirt track
veer off to left. Follow the dirt track for 126 miles till you see big
huge dead gum tree -- the biggest tree you've ever seen. Here you gotta
leave car, because it's much too rough for driving. You strike out due
west into the setting sun. Walk three days till you hit a creek. You follow
this creek to the northwest. After two days you'll find where the creek
flows out of some rocky mountains, but it's much too difficult to cross
the mountains there, though. So you head south for half day until you
see a pass through mountains. The pass is very difficult and very dangerous.
It'll take you two, maybe three days to get through it. On the other side,
head northwest for four days until you reach a big huge rock -- twenty
feet high and shaped like a man's head. From the rock, walk due west for
two days, and then you'll find the village. You'll be able to see the
Butcher Dance there."
So the guy grabbed his camera crew and equipment and headed out. After
a couple of hours, he found the dirt track. The track was in a shocking
state, and he was forced to crawl along at a snail's pace, and so he didn't
reach the tree until dusk, where he was forced to set up camp for the
night.
He set out bright and early the following morning. His spirits were high,
and he was excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious
dance that he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions
he had been given, he reached the creek after three days and followed
it for another two, until he reached the rocky mountains.
The merciless sun was starting to take its toll, and the spirits of both
himself and his crew were starting to flag; but wearily they trudged on,
finally finding the pass through the mountains. Nothing would prevent
him from completing his life's dream. The mountains proved to be every
bit as treacherous as their guide had said, and at times they despaired
of ever getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half
days of back breaking effort, they finally forced their way clear and
continued their long trek.
When they reached the huge rock, four days later, their water was running
low, and their feet were covered with blisters, but they steeled themselves
and headed out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually
staggered into the village. To their relief, the natives welcomed them
and fed them and gave them fresh water, and they began to feel like new
men. Once he recovered enough, the guy went before the village chief and
told him that he came to film their Butcher Dance.
"Oh mate," he said. "Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night.
You too late. You miss dance."
"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"
"Not till next year."
"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for
me tonight?"
"No, no, no!" the chief exclaimed. "Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold
once a year. You want see Butcher Dance, you come back next year."
Understandably, the guy was devastated, but he had no other option but
to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he headed back to Australia and, determined not to
miss out again, set out a week earlier than before. He was quite willing
to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order
to ensure he was present to witness it.
But right from the start, things went wrong. Heavy rains that year turned
the dirt track to mud, and the car got bogged down every few miles. Finally
they had to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost
half the distance to the tree. They reached the creek and the mountains
without any further problems, but halfway through the mountain pass, they
were struck by a fierce storm that raged for several days, during which
they were forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsided.
Then, before they had traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the
crew sprained his ankle badly, slowing down the rest of their journey
greatly. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they had been traveling,
they staggered into the village right at noon.
"The Butcher Dance!" the man gasped. "Please don't tell me I'm too late
to see it!"
The chief recognized him and said, "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed
tonight. You come just in time."
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spent the rest of the afternoon setting
up their equipment and preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid.
As dusk fell, the natives started to cover their bodies in white paint
and adorn themselves in all manner of birds' feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness had settled fully over the land, the natives formed a circle
around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descended over performers and
spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs
covering his entire body entered the circle and began to chant.
"What's he doing?" the man whispered to the chief.
"Hush," the chief whispered back. "You first white man ever to see most
sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the
spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them
through our dance, and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious
as to watch over us and protect us for another year."
The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before he removed
himself from the circle. The rhythmic pounding of drums boomed out across
the land, and the natives began to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy
became caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This was it. He
realized beyond all doubt that his wait had not been in vain. He was about
to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived
by mankind.
The chief strode to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice,
started to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm
out. You butch yer right arm in, and you shake it all about...."
|
|
|
WARNING:
Shit Jokes..
|
WARNING:
Shit Jokes..
|
|
| |
A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc,"
he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm
a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam.
It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "You need to relax because you’re two tents."
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me.
Why won't a bike stand up by itself?
It's two tired.
How do you make anti-freeze?
Take away her blanket.
Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't
serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him
out.
The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders.
"Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.
"Yeah," the string says.
"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.
"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.
A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but
we don't serve food here."
How does a man on a moon get his haircut?
Eclipse it.
|
What did the lightbulb say to its
mother?
I wuv you watts and watts.
What's the best way to make trousers last?
Make the jacket first.
What happened when Abel died?
He became unable.
What happens to an air conditioner when you pull its plug?
It loses its cool.
What did one mountain say to the other mountain after an earthquake?
It's not my fault.
What is a grasshopper?
An insect on a pogo stick.
What do snake charmers do in the rain?
Turn on their windshield vipers.
How can you make a slow horse fast?
Don't give him any food.
What insect lives on nothing?
Moths, because they eat holes.
If two people had a race and one had sand in his shoe but the other did
not, who would win?
The one with sand in his shoe -- if it was quicksand.
Why did the girl loaf of stale bread slap the boy loaf of stale bread?
Because he tried to get fresh.
|
|
|
Fuck
The RSPCA (ateotd)
|
Are
You An American? (Big Up WTC Burners)
|
|
| |
Mary had a little lamb
She called it baby Abby
They burned it in a great big pit
Cos its mouth and feet were scabby
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where they're located
But Tony Blair has said "fair's fair
If they're burnt she'll be compensated"
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Watching her livestock burn
When along came a vet
Who confiscated her pet
Will fairy tale folk ever learn?
Mary's pigs had foot and mouth
'This crisis', cried she, 'Needs tackling
'Now all I've got is one black field
'And fourteen tons of crackling....
Mary had some little lambs
but alas she had to burn em
she also had some nuclear fuel
and gave that to the Germans
Farmer Jones has got no sheep
Isn't life a drag?
Coz they're all burning in a field....
He's got nothing left to shag
Mary's lamb had foot and mouth ,
The vet came round and shot it.
But Mary's dad had shagged it first,
And now her sisters got it ...........
|
ARE YOU AN AMERICAN? Questionnaire
1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do
you break the news you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up
inbreds on national television.
2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park.
What do you need to take?
(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) A ball 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a
marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of
orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.
3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over
a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is
still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died
quickly
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping
and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.
4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward
position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer
in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head whilst screaming
about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.
5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny
side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs
and a DIET root beer.
6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married.
What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas,
presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive
at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join
a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons
and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.
8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy
do you choose?
(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
(b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show
(c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the
audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued
grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.
9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing
table.
What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again
(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue
your wife's ass.
10. You are responsible for the USA's presidential electoral process.
Do you:
(a) Count all votes and declare a winner
(b) Count all votes and declare a winner
(c) Let the press declare who's won before the votes are counted; then
count only the votes which have been handed in by a deadline whilst not
checking if Bud, the hillbilly sheriff of nowheres-ville, has left several
thousand votes in the trunk of his Chevy 'by mistake', then force a recount
of only some of the votes within just one state and allow only 12 seconds
for the recount to take place; then be amazed that the recount hasn't
finished by the deadline and increase the deadline by another 3.2 seconds;
then ignore all votes and let 4 judges decide the result, making sure
the judges all support the same candidate; then ponce around the world
telling other countries how to run their own elections.
Answers...
If you answered: Mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal
well-balanced individual. Mostly (c)'s then do the world a favour
and shoot yourself with the anti-tank weapon you carry in the
glove-box of your pick-up truck.
|
|
|
Farts
Explained...
|
The
Empire Strikes Back (Special DVD Edition)
|
|
| |
Farting Primer
All farts are divided into two groups:
1. Your Farts
2. Somebody Else's Farts
THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there waiting for
some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd
and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted
an Anticipated Fart.
THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It
is
identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed
by
traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its odor
is
foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. And
then
someone will say, "Who farted in the back seat?"
THE BARRED OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in
identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before
daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. it's a sort
of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that
has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it
sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl Fart.
THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic
is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have
snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common
following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.
THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that
it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment.
Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor
recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and
let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any
questions.
THE COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is to the
world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can
see no point in describing this fart any further.
THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The
farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm
and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed
chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some
time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with
some people.
THE DUD FART: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. it's a fart
that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification
fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody
else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts.
In most cases, the farter usually feels a little disappointed.
THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is
not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand
Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a
two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second
tone. Like an echo.
THE G AND L FART: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of
farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have
not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the
most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.
THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to
be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty
house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will
insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is
just something that happens to smell like a fart.
THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What
happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all
at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she
will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is
no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old
person's fart as there is.
THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins,
and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted,
off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the
jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.
THE JOHN FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the
john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever
it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john
amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.
THE LEAD FART: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped
ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart
that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could
be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And
never guess.
THE OH MY GOD FART: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all
farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My
God
Fart.
THE QUIVER FART: A group one identification fart only. When you fart,
it
quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to
scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.
THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART: You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding
name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is
frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it.
What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the
longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable
to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong,
loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.
THE S.B.D. FART: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt
one
of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with
this one.
THE SKILLSAW FART: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really
shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw
ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too
common.
THE STUTTER FART: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny
fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best
described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a
forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets
farted after considerable effort.
|
There's apparently going to be an
extra scene included in the DVD
release of EMPIRE STRIKES BACK coming up next year! Basically, it expands
on the scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some
loose ends created with the release of Episode 1.
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK EXTRA-SPECIAL EDITION
INT. BESPIN GANTRY:
A furious light sabre duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE
SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off
Luke's hand. It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs
away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight
down.
DARTH VADER: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
LUKE: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
DARTH VADER: No, Luke... I am your father!
LUKE: No! It's not true! It's impossible.
DARTH VADER: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
LUKE: NO!
DARTH VADER: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that
brass droid of yours?
LUKE: Threepio?
DARTH VADER: Yes. Threepio. I built him. When I was only 7 years old.
LUKE: No.
DARTH VADER: Yes. Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself,
no light sabre, no hand, no job, and you couldn't even levitate your own
ship
out of the swamp.
LUKE: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
DARTH VADER: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly
destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
LUKE: Well, it's not my fault...
DARTH VADER: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me
what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of
the Sith...waahhh wahhh!"
LUKE: Shut up.
DARTH VADER: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had
exterminated the Jedi knights!
LUKE: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!
DARTH VADER: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of
the
Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here baby!
(LUKE looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.)
DARTH VADER: I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you
are, but you sure ain't mine.
LUKE takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the
shaft. DARTH VADER looks after him.)
DARTH VADER: ...and get your hair cut!
|
|
|
Life
Before The Computer
|
Sister
(Nabext Blonde Joke Innit)
|
|
| |
LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
|
Two sisters, one blonde and one
brunette, inherit the family ranch.
unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial
trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they
need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The
brunette balances their chequebook, then takes their last $600 dollars
out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon
leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy
the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599,
no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I
need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here
so we can
haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help
her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the
bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realises that she'll only be
able to
send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods,
and
says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to
know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and
drive
out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,
'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
|
|
|
Smithsonian
|
Workplace
Rules
|
|
| |
A letter from the Smithsonian Institute
The story behind the letter below is that there is this nut-case in
Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard
and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them
with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological
finds.
This guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway...here's
the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind
next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a
difficult situation in writing.
____________________________________________________
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D,
layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have
given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to
inform
you that we disagree with your theory that it presents conclusive proof
of
the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie
doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes
to
be "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of
thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain
that
those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe
to
come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of
the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically
fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
proto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with
the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene
clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence
seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much
detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the
heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to
carbon-dating's
notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.
To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to
1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate
results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National
Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning
your specimen the scientific name: Australopithecus spiff-arino.
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance
of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like
it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil,
it
is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work
you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our
Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display
of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and
the
entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director
to pay for it.
We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories
surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous metal in a
structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex
femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a
rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities
|
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of
normal conversation with their coworkers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however,
realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your
feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of "TRY
SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas
and
information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending
our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No fucking way.
TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the fuck?
TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.
TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING:
I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Blow me.
TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a prick.
TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Thank You,
Human Resources
|
|
|
Pearly
Gates Regionals
|
Zenisms
to help you through life
|
|
| |
Einstein dies and goes to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter
tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths
that some people will go to to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you
really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a
blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly
appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols
his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really
ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for
credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and
sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to
be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees David Beckham. Saint Peter
scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to
prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
Beckham looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, David."
tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths
that some people will go to to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you
really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a
blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly
appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols
his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really
ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for
credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and
sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to
be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees David Beckham. Saint Peter
scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to
prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
Beckham looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, David."
|
1. Do not walk behind me, for I
may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me,for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're
going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time
to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you
aren't getting any.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is
simply to serve as a warning to others.
8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize
them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not
for you.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink
beer all day.
12. If you lend someone $20, and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it.
13. Don't squat with your spurs on.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything.
15. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause
people.
16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the
windshield.
17. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold
it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome
of a rain dance.
20. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
21. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side
& a dark side,and it holds the universe together.
|
|
|
The
Contractor
|
Terrible
Friday Gag
|
|
| |
There was once a contractor who
lived her whole life without taking any unfair advantage of any of the
clients for whom she worked. She selflessly believed in knowledge transfer
to the client's permanent staff and never kept any information or skills
from others. In fact, she made absolutely sure that every assignment that
she had was of the maximum benefit for both her clients and their staff.
One day, whilst walking down the street towards her current client, she
was hit by a bus and tragically died. Shortly afterwards, her soul arrived
in Heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven", said St Peter. "But before you enter, it seems that
we have a small problem. You see, strangely enough we have never once
had a contractor make it this far and we are not really sure what to do
with you. We've never had any experience of contractors as they have always
ripped off their clients so consistently that they always go straight
to Hell with no chance of redemption".
"In my case, that isn't the case", said the contractor. "I've always put
the interests of my client's first and I never even used so much as a
paper-clip for my own personal use. I have always been scrupulously professional
and fair and I have only ever accepted assignments where I knew that I
had precisely the relevant skills and experience. I never once fiddled
my time records, expenses or fee notes and my fees were always pitched
exactly right for each specific assignment. You can just let me in".
"But that is our little problem. You are the only honest contractor that
we have ever come across. Amongst contractors you are unique. I'd like
to let you straight in but I'm afraid that I have higher orders. What
God has decided to do is to let you spend one day in Hell and one day
in Heaven and you can then choose in which one you want to spend the rest
of eternity".
"Actually" said the contractor, "I've made up my mind already and I'd
like to stay in Heaven. I've been a regular churchgoer and believer in
the True Faith all of my life and I don't need to try out Hell. In fact,
from what I've been taught, I don't want to spend even one single second
in Hell, let alone a trial 24 hours".
"I'm sorry, but I do have my orders", said St Peter, and with that he
put her in a lift which took her down for her trial day in Hell.
Eventually, the lift doors opened and the contractor found herself stepping
out on to a beautiful golf course surrounding an opulent country club
on an idyllic palm fringed sea shore. Waiting for her to arrive were all
the fellow contractors with whom she had ever worked and all were beautifully
dressed in expensive clothes and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed
her on both cheeks and started to chat about the good old times that they
had had together. They played an excellent round of golf, in perfect weather
conditions, swam in the warm sea, lazed on the sand under the palms drinking
the local wines and, afterwards, went to the country club for an excellent
steak and lobster dinner. They drank exquisite wines and she was introduced
to the Devil himself, who was actually an extremely dishy, cute and amusing
young man. She had a great time telling bawdy jokes and dancing well into
the night. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, her
24 hours were up and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and
waved goodbye as she got back in the lift to go for her day in Heaven.
The elevator went all the way back up to the Pearly Gates and she found
St Peter waiting for her outside.
"Now it's time to spend your trial day in Heaven", he said and she spent
the next 24 hours lounging on clouds, drinking ambrosia nectar, eating
the food of the Gods, playing the harp and singing heavenly songs. She
had a great time but again, before she knew it, her time was up.
"So, then", asked St Peter. "You've had a trial day in Hell and a trial
day in Heaven. Now you must decide in which one you would like to spend
eternity. Which is it to be?".
The contractor paused for a second and then said "Well, I never thought
that I'd say this but even though Heaven was really great and lived up
to all that I'd been taught in Church, on balance I think that I had a
better time in Hell. I'd rather go back down there, please".
St Peter escorted her back to the lift, bade her farewell and pressed
the button for Hell. The lift went all the way back down and, eventually,
the doors opened again. When she looked out, there were all her contractor
friends again but this time they were dressed in rags and tatters, picking
up rancid and rotting garbage by hand from a desolate, burning and windswept
landscape and putting it into infinitely heavy sacks which they carried
around chained to their aching and bent backs.
The Devil, and obnoxious and repulsive ogre, came up to her and put his
arm around her. "Welcome to Hell", he hissed, breathing sour foul breath
all over her. "Welcome to your eternity of unspeakable repulsiveness,
torture and ceaseless hardship".
"But I don't understand", stuttered the contractor. "Yesterday, there
was a beautiful golf course, excellent food, a life of untold luxury and
all my friends were deliriously happy. Now there's an infinite wasteland
of festering garbage and my friends are all wretched beyond belief. What
has happened?".
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday you were
a contractor. Today, you're a permie."
|
Japan has banned all animal movements
after discovering some nibbled beds in Tokyo.
They think it could be an outbreak of Futon Mouse.
|
|
|
Actual
School Absence Excuses
|
Bill
Gates
|
|
| |
*My son is under a doctor's care
today and should
not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick
and I had her shot.
*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent
on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is
administrating.
*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his
hip.
*John has been absent because he had two teeth
taken out of his face.
*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was
playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
*Megan could not come to school today because she
has been botheres by very close veins.
*Chris will not be in school because he has an
acre in his side.
*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very
loose vowels.
*Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.
He had diahre, dyrea, direathe, the shits.
*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.
He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his
bust.
*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's
fault.
*I kept Billie home because she had to go
Christmas shopping because I don't know what size
she wear.
*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school
yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off
the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought
it was Sunday.
*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We
have to attend her funeral.
*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was
tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
She was in bed with gramps.
*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a
gangover.
*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under
the doctor.
*Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she
had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset
stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low grade fever and
ached all over. I wasn't the best, either, sore
throat and fever. There must be something going
around, her father even got hot last night.
|
Heaven or Hell, Bill?
Bill Gates died and found himself in purgatory being sized up by St.
Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society
enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet
you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something
I've never done before in your case: I'm going to let you decide
where you want to go."
Bill replied, "What's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if
it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill. "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful and clean. Bill saw a sandy
beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was
shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I really want
to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about,
playing harps and singing. It was very nice, but not as enticing as
Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I
think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to
Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire
to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill
shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amongst hot flames,
being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
With his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill
responded, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited
two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to
that other place, with the beautiful beaches and the scantily clad
women playing in the water?"
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
|
|
|
"Nice
Beers" (Project Blue)
|
Physics
Exam
|
|
| |
Please make sure you read this carefully.
It may change the way you think
about your life and career. The following is an actual excerpt from this
month's Forbes Magazine:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when
the
herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even
improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the
slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass.
Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake
of
alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker
cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link
between all-weekend parties and job related performance.
It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university
and
getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance
of
the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of
voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that
they achieve during their college years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological
edge,
we must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint.
Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't
deny
yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be
all
that you can be. Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances and
co-workers that may be in danger of losing their edge.
|
The following concerns a question
in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper using a barometer."
One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower
the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length
of
the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the
building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student
was
failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably
correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide
the
case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not
display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it
was
decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide
a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity the basic
principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought.
The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student
replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make
up
his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper,
drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground.
The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H =
0.5g
x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer,
then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure
the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter
of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short
piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at
ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked
out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq
root
> (l / g)."
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be
easier
to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer
lengths, then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you
could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the
skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars
into
feet to give the height of the building."
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of
mind
and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock
on
the janitor's door and say to him, 'If you would like a nice new barometer,
I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel
prize for Physics.
|
|
|
Wednesday
Joke
|
82517
|
|
| |
(ie not as good as a Friday joke)
A pedestrian is in a busy town centre on a Saturday afternoon,
waiting for the red man to change to green. As the beeps sound
and the light changes, the pedestrian begins to cross when an
American tourist walking next to him asks what the beeps are for.
"They are to tell blind people that the lights have changed" he says.
"Really?", says the Yank, "Why over in the States we don't even let blind
people drive!".
|
A Scotsman, Italian and Irishman
are all having a good time and agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says; "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from,
back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink,
then
you buy another drink, then MacDougal himself will buy you your third
drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place
But then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's sounds like a nice bar, but where
I
come from, dere's an even better one. Over in Brooklyn, dere's this place
called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You
buy
anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin,
dere's dis bar dat's even better called Morphy's. At Morphy's, dey buy
you
your first drink, then dey buy you your second drink, then dey buy you
your
thurd drink, and den, dey buy you your forth drink, then they take you
in de
back, and get you laid!"
Wow!" say the other two.
"That's fantastic! Did this actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to my sister."
|
|
|
Next
Blonde Joke
|
Blonde
Patrol
|
|
| |
There's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back,
"You are on the other side."
|
A highway patrolman pulled alongside
a speeding car on
the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see
that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing
that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked
down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!" "NO,"
the
blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
|
|
|
Blonde
& Conversations...
|
If
NASA Employed Blondes..
|
|
| |
The executive was interviewing
a young blonde for a
position in his company. He wanted to find out something
about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a
conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde
quickly responded, "The living one."
|
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde
were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going
at night!"
|
|
|
Fake
Blonde!
|
More
Of The Sambame
|
|
| |
A young brunette goes into the doctor's
office and tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes on her elbow and screams in agony.
She then pushes on her knee and screams pushes on her ankle and
screams...and so it goes. No matter where she touches her agony is
apparent.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you? You're really
a
blonde."
She sheepishly admits that indeed she is a blonde.
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
|
A police officer stops a blonde
for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
show it to you!"
|
|
|
Sucker..
|
Blonde
Exam
|
|
| |
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit
one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question
was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
|
The blonde reported for her university
final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the paper for five
minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes
a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for
Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating
it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
uttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished
the exam in half an hour.
But I'm rechecking my answers!
|
|
|
Death
Of 3 Irishmen
|
The
Strip Club
|
|
| |
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop.
Right away they go over to the bird
section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and
asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in
dat
cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does
and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the
hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis look
loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies
Paddy. They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go
first,
eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places
them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for
a
few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'|. As Paddy looks over the edge of
the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is
too
fockin' dangerous for me"
======- PART TWO =======
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he
walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of
the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying
a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge
of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and
blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is
a
SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head
and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"
======- PART THREE =======
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too
has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper
bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches
himself of the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was
Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you
fockin' hen gliding"
|
Dave works hard at the plant and
spends most evenings bowling or playing
basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard,
so
for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey Dave, how ya doin'?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,'
says
Dave. 'He's on my bowling team.'
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, 'You must come here a lot
for
that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'
'No honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
'Hi
Davey,' she says, 'Want your usual table dance?'
|
|
|
"Just
Do It"
|
Project
Management
|
|
| |
Nike now lets you personalise your
shoes by submitting a word or phrase which
they will stitch onto your shoes, under the swoosh. So Jonah Peretti filled
out the
form and sent them $50 to stitch "SWEATSHOP" onto his shoes.
Here's the responses he got...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
<nikeid_personalize@nike.com
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" <peretti@media.mit.edu
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Your NIKE iD order was cancelled for one or more of the following reasons:
1) Your Personal iD contains another party's trademark or other intellectual
property
2) Your Personal iD contains the name of an athlete or team we do not
have the
legal right to use
3) Your Personal iD was left blank. Did you not want any personalization?
4) Your Personal iD contains profanity or inappropriate slang, and besides,
your
mother would slap us.
If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization
please visit us
again at www.nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD
From: "Jonah H. Peretti" &llt;eretti@media.mit.edu
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
<nikeid_personalize@nike.com
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Greetings,
My order was canceled but my personal NIKE iD does not violate any of
the criteria
outlined in your message. The Personal iD on my custom ZOOM XC USA running
shoes was the word "sweatshop."
Sweatshop is not:
1) another's party's trademark,
2) the name of an athlete,
3) blank, or
4) profanity.
I choose the iD because I wanted to remember the toil and labor of the
children that
made my shoes. Could you please ship them to me immediately.
Thanks and Happy New Year, Jonah Peretti
From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
<nikeid_personalize@nike.com
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" <peretti@media.mit.edu
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Dear NIKE iD Customer,
Your NIKE iD order was cancelled because the iD you have chosen contains,
as
stated in the previous e-mail correspondence, "inappropriate slang". If
you wish to
reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us
again at
nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD
From: "Jonah H. Peretti" <peretti@media.mit.edu
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
<nikeid_personalize@nike.com
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Dear NIKE iD,
Thank you for your quick response to my inquiry about my custom ZOOM XC
USA running shoes. although I commend you for your prompt customer service,
I disagree with the claim that my personal iD was inappropriate slang.
After
consulting Webster's Dictionary, I discovered that "sweatshop" is in fact
part of
standard English, and not slang.
The word means: "a shop or factory in which workers are employed for long
hours
at low wages and under unhealthy conditions" and its origin dates from
1892. So
my personal iD does meet the criteria detailed in your first email.
Your web site advertises that the NIKE iD program is "about freedom to
choose
and freedom to express who you are." I share Nike's love of freedom and
personal
expression. The site also says that "If you want it done right...build
it yourself."
I was thrilled to be able to build my own shoes, and my personal iD was
offered as
a small token of appreciation for the sweatshop workers poised to help
me realize
my vision. I hope that you will value my freedom of expression and reconsider
your
decision to reject my order.
Thank you, Jonah Peretti
From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
<nikeid_personalize@nike.com
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" <peretti@media.mit.edu
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Dear NIKE iD Customer,
Regarding the rules for personalization it also states on the NIKE iD
web site that
"Nike reserves the right to cancel any personal iD up to 24 hours after
it has been
submitted". In addition, it further explains: "While we honor most personal
iDs, we
cannot honor every one.
Some may be (or contain) other's trademarks, or the names of certain professional
sports teams, athletes or celebrities that Nike does not have the right
to use. Others
may contain material that we consider inappropriate or simply do not want
to place
on our products. Unfortunately, at times this obliges us to decline personal
iDs that
may otherwise seem unobjectionable. In any event, we will let you know
if we decline
your personal iD, and we will offer you the chance to submit another."
With these
rules in mind, we cannot accept your order as submitted. If you wish to
reorder your
NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD
From: "Jonah H. Peretti" <peretti@media.mit.edu
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
<nikeid_personalize@nike.com
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Dear NIKE iD,
Thank you for the time and energy you have spent on my request. I have
decided to
order the shoes with a different iD, but I would like to make one small
request. Could
you please send me a color snapshot of the ten-year-old Vietnamese girl
who makes
my shoes?
Thanks,
Jonah Peretti
no response
As one forwarder writes:
... this will now go round the world much farther and faster than any
of the adverts they
paid Michael Jordan more than the entire wage packet of all their sweatshop
workers in
the world to do...
I normally avoid making a plea to pass on these things, but this time
I say: JUST DO IT
|
Three men, a project manager, a
software developer, and a database engineer are in Miami beach for a two-week
period helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up
and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they
stumbled upon a lamp.
As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant
you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one
wish."
The database engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my
life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded
by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and
sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software developer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my
life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money
worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted
him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would
your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.
|
|
|
An
Assortment
|
"Interesting"
Facts
|
|
| |
Two Aerials met on a roof, fell
in love, & got married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was
Brilliant.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says
'I'll give you some cream to put on it'
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." I don't believe you," said
Dolly "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's heavy."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly
serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?"
replies the bartender, "no charge."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
bottom" "How's that?" "Don't you start"
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer
than that then."
What's got 4 legs and an arm ? A happy Rottweiler !!
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG
What do you use a wombat for? For playing wom!
What Ticks on the wall? Ticky Paper
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's
speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange
a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became
a famous actor. The other stayed behind drove a tractor and never amounted
to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two
weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately,
no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,
they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished
she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins.
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
|
* 3 people die each year testing
if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
* 142 people were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
* 58 people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
* 31 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
the fairy lights were plugged in.
* 19 people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations
were chocolate.
* Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
* 101 people since 1997 have had to have broken-parts of plastic toys
pulled out of the soles of their feet.
* 18 people had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with lit
cigarette in their mouth.
* A massive 543 people were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
* 5 people were injured last year in accidents involving out of control
Scalectrix cars.
And finally,
* 8 people cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep while throwing
up into the toilet.
|
|
|
You
know you're living in the 21st century when...
|
Sad
Bastard!
|
|
| |
1.You try to enter your password
on the microwave.
2.You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3.You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4.You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5.You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but
you haven't spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year
6.You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7.Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
8.You consider the postal service painfully slow and/or call it "snail
mail".
9.Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone
in a business manner
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial a "9" to
get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different
companies.
14. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
15. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
18. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your
best jokes.
19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
20. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries'annual
budgets combined.
22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience,
terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor
26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
27. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all
the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots
up
28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department
is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants
advising your boss's boss on strategy.
31. Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.
32. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because
someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED THERE is leaving.
33. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
34. The only reason you recognise your kids is because their pictures
are on your desk.
35. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
36. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling
37. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"
38. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list
already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.
39. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you anymore,
except to send you jokes from the net.
|
> An ambitious engineer finally
decided to take a vacation. He booked
himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life.
Until the boat sank. The man found himself on the shore of an island with
no other people, no supplies... nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he
asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replied,
"I
rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise
ship
sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with
you." "Oh, this?" replied the woman. "I made the row boat out of raw
material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree
branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern
came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or
hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On The south side of the
island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found
if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make
the hardware."
The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a few
minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks
on to shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk
leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the
man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she
says casually, "It's not much, but I call It home. Sit down please; would
you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut
juice."
"It's not coconut juice,"the woman replies. "I have a still. How about
a
Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts,
and
they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their
stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more
comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor
upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There,
in
The cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
Hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel
mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he
returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned
and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins,
suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a really
long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel
like doing right now, Something you've been longing for all these months?
You know..."
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing "You
mean...?", he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes,
"I
can check my e-mail from here?"
|
|
|
Farmer's
Daughters (x0 rating 10/10)
|
Ugly
Kid!
|
|
| |
The Farmers Daughter's
There was a farmer that had four daughters. One
night he heard a knock at the door and found a
young man standing there. The young man said,
"My name is Feddy.
I've come to pick up Betty.
We're going out for spaghetti.
I hope she's ready."
The farmer thought that this was cute so he let
them go out. Pretty soon there was another knock
at the door and another young man was there. He said,
"My name is Vance.
I've come for Nance.
We're going to a dance.
Is she ready by chance?"
Again the farmer thought this was cute and let them
go. Soon another knock on the door with yet another
young man standing there. He said,
"My name is Moe.
I'm here to get Flo.
We're going to a show.
Is she ready to go?"
Again the farmer was amused and let them go. Again
there was a knock on the door and a young man was
standing there. He began,
"My name is Chuck."
The farmer shot him.
|
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't
say things to insult passengers."
"You're right!" the woman said, "I think I'll go back up there and give
him a piece of my mind!"
"That's a good idea," the man said, "Here, let me hold your monkey."
|
|
|
Husband
Batterer (x0 rating 10/10)
|
Cockney
Bastards
|
|
| |
A man left for work one Friday afternoon.
But, being payday, instead of going home,
he stayed out the entire weekend partying
with the boys and spending his entire
paycheck. When He finally appeared at home,
Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very
angry wife and was barraged for nearly two
hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and
simply said to him. "How would you like
it if you didn't see me for two or three
days?" To which he replied.
"That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with
the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling
went down just enough where he could see her
a little out of the corner of his left eye.
|
A Guide to UK Southern Slang
AEROPLANE BLONDE - one who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a
black box.
BADLY PACKED KEBAB - a vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female
genitalia.
BRITNEY SPEARS - Modern Slang for 'beers'. e.g. "Couple of Britney's please
Doreen"
MUMBLER - an attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can
see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
BRUCE LEE - erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip)
BEER SCOOTER - the ability to get home after a night out on the booze
and
not remember it. i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night,
I
must have caught the beer scooter".
BUNNY-BOILER - an unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit
boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction". e.g. "I don't like the look
of that aeroplane blonde -- could be a bunny boiler"
DRINK-LINK - a modern term for a cash point machine (ATM). Named so
because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS - a young man of substandard intelligence, the typical
adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from
the
badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear
to
show their level of training.
NELSON MANDELA - Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager)
ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE - the need to defecate imminently.
PEARL HARBOUR - cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit
Pearl Harbour out there!" Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.
RAGMAN'S COAT - untidy and unkempt pubic hair. e.g. "That mumbler looks
quite fit but I bet she's got a kebab like a ragman's coat !"
RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE - to defecate. e.g. " I've got one in the
departure lounge, so I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".
SALAD DODGER - an excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SKIN-CHIMNEY - see BADLY PACKED KEBAB.
SWAMP-DONKEY - a deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL or BITCH PISS - bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed
by young women.
UP ON BLOCKS - menstruating. i.e. Out of action, a bit like a car in a
garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is
up
on blocks"
WALLACE AND GROMIT - Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'
WYNONA RYDER - Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Pint of Wynona, half a
Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen"
|
|
|
10
Things Men Know About Women (x0 rating 9/10)
|
Pet
Sabanta
|
|
|
> 10 things men know about women
-------------------------------------------------
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9. They have breasts.
10.They are fun to play with.
|
Rob had felt guilty all day long,
no matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure
him:
"Rob, don't worry about it. You weren't the first doctor to sleep with
one of your patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let
it go!".
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Rob, You're a vet...."
|
|
|
Rules For Life on the Silver Screen
|
You know it makes sense!!!
|
|
|
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying
beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba
diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you
can travel to any other part of the building you wish without
difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you
make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart
back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will
not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or
killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade
or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.
The Chief of Police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out
a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always
be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from
elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always
say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
every morning even though their husband and children never have
time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or
give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of
RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an
object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will
have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you
are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump
into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner
until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they
will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds
- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped
inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause
no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at that precise moment."
|
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done
this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save
for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and he married the one with the largest breasts.
|
|
|
Medical Knowledge
|
It's A Dump
|
|
|
A man on holiday in the Caribbean settles down for a day of sunbathing and falls asleep. When he awakens, his legs are sunburned beyond belief and he can hardly stand for the pain. So he goes to a local clinic.
The doctor looks at his sunburned legs and says, "You realize that this is only a small village clinic. I don't have a lot of fancy equipment, but I do have some medicine. Here's a Viagra."
The man is furious. "I've got second-degree sunburn. What's a Viagra going to do?"
The doctor says, "It should help keep the sheets off your legs in bed tonight."
|
I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement
as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios
listed. If you haven't you need more fibre.
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump.
It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the
worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece
that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic
high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it
was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in
the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of
too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is
a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious
malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked
flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with
you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie
starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass
look like "a Japanese Flag."
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an
empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you.
You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are
the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You
then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper"
must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle
yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always
use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water
that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock.
Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half
way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by
nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma.
First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and
wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the
newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster
loaf!" There are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through
it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime
peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that
break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next
cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his
umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work
mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever
techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit.
Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try
the following:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor
3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop.
You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle.
You twist and pump but the little thing just hangs there,
suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water
below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the
whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times.
The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet
paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash
clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are
about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming
on. You must therefore return for a curtain call.
The world record is seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep
down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush?
Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear
and smile at the next person who comes in.
|
|
|
Being Away...
|
Proof That Englishmen Are Better...
|
|
|
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LONDON TOO LONG
1 You say 'mate' constantly.
2 You think it is perfectly normal to pay over ?3.00 for a pint.
3 Anyone not from London is a 'wanker'.
4 Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern Wanker'.
5 You have no idea where the North is.
6 You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
7 The countryside makes you nervous.
8 Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
9 American tourists no longer annoy you.
10 You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day".
11 You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car in the city.
12 You didn't realise that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN MANCHESTER TOO LONG
1.You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad fer it', "Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.
2.You say 'mad fer it' when back in Manchester.
3.You think fisherman's hats are attractive.
4.You support Man City out of principle.
5.You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of it.
6.You think Londoners are 'soft southern wankers'... until they kick your head in at a footie match.
7.You get a freckle and consider yourself 'suntanned'.
8.You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
9.You won't pay more than $1.50 for a wrap of skag.
10.People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN LIVERPOOL TOO LONG
1. You have an urge to steal.
2. You think Brookside is a 'glamorous' soap.
3. You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'.
4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are.
5. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.
6. You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry cross the Mersey'.
7. You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour.
8. You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any more.
9. You think everyone's heard of Greg Pateras.
10. You start thinking that Plymouth sounds nice.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG
1.You say 'pish' all the time.
2.You say 'aye' all the time.
3.You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's pish'.
4.You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of pish like'.
5.You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.
6.You punch everybody you meet.
7.You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.
8.You are incomprehensible.
9.People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from.
10 You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words 'Edinburgh' or 'England'.
11.You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG
1.You say "I'm Grand" all the time.
2.You think of Guinness as if it is the sixth food group.
3.You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.
4.You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks good.
5.You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.
6.You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.
7.You say "That'd be grand" all the time.
8.You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan.
9.You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.
10 You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes.
11.You say "Your man" all the time.
12.You say "Your woman" all the time.
13.You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the time.
14.You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for you by someone's mammy - at 30.
15.You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'.
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN CARDIFF TOO LONG
1.You are still there.
10 SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN AWAY FROM NEWCASTLE TOO LONG
1 Your heart leaps every time a picture of the Sydney Harbour Bridge isshown.
2 You start thinking Gazza's version of ' fog on the Tyne' is damn catchy.
3 You call your dog Beardsley/Milburn/Shearer.
4 The only time your accent comes out is when you lose your rag.
5 You seriously consider calling your first born Geordie even though it a girl.
6 Attending a premier in Leicster Sq, is still going to see a filim.
7 You have a pop at a guy at a bar in Soho for drinking 'Brown' out of a pint glass.
8 You try to cadge an Embasy Regal of a guy in the queue at Malaga Airport.
9 That black n white wallpaper is very easy on the eye.
10 Robson Green is your favourite actor.
11. You think scotch comes in pints .
12. Jimmy nail is a 'canny' musician .
13. You think lasses wear mini skirts however cold it is
14. No matter how cold it is short sleeved shirts are to be worn
15. You never tire of telling EVERYONE how great the nightlife is in Newcastle.
16 You wear your football top in a nightclub cos its 'got a collar like.'
17. You won't hear a word against Ant and Dec .
18. Conversly you watch CD:uk TV not only because of Cat Deeley
19 . Yeh nah whey Spuggy is.
|
An Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love with my
girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she
floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".
A Frenchman adds, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making
ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen
Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches
above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
An Englishman replies, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished
sh@gging my bird, I get out of bed, walk over to the window, wipe my
kn0b on the curtains and she hits the f*cking roof..
|
|
|
Old Dog - New Tricks
|
Roosta innit
|
|
|
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love.; However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion.; "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.; But it doesn't; help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed.; Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice.; The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him; triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
|
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "Ok old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens!, Look what it has done to me!, Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! you are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop,"
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn it...third gay rooster I bought this month,"
|
|
|
Finally, The Truth About Women...
|
Sick In Their Eyes (Sleety White Mayfair)
|
|
|
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...etc. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered
Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The wedding night approached:
Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman
he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night? What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch?
Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be
beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she's still a witch--- and don't you forget it!!!!
|
This bloke goes on to 'Stars in Their Eyes' and Matthew Kelly says to him, 'So, Simon have you any stories to tell us..'
Simon replies, 'Well Matthew, I have this one story but it's a bit sad, 10 years ago I was in a car crash with my Uncle, unfortunately he was killed and I lost my legs, but they were able to amputate my his legs and sew them on to me, so this performance I am going to dedicate to him...'
'That's really sad' said Matthew, '...so Simon, tell us who you are going to be.'
He replied, 'Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be...Simon and Half uncle'
|
|
|
Gag...
|
Excuse The Pun
|
|
|
...yeah, I think I would.
An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is also staying there.
One day, he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her, and after a while he says he would like to make love to her.
She agrees, and when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at the home.
The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to.
She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would mind.
He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it.
After about 30 secs he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there.
She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis.
He looks at her confused and states that surely you can't get arthritis down there, and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell.
She says, 'No, it's the arthritis in my shoulder.......I can't wipe my ar$e!'
|
...but this joke makes me piss...
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.
The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch.
The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year- old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch.
The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.
The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "what do you think of this?"
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "WHY, THIS TASTES LIKE PISS," to which the old drunk replies, "That right, now guess how old I am."
|
|
|
Mighty Mouse
|
Some Top-notch Courses For Women
|
|
|
Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila arguing about how tough they are.
The first mouse says, "I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slams down his tequila and looks at the second mouse.
The econd mouse replies, "That's nothing. I'm so tough I run through mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back & benchpress the killer springed trapwire." he slams down his tequila and looks at the third mouse.
The third mouse slams down his tequila, slid off his stool and begins walking away from the bar.
The other mice scream, "Hey, Soft ar$e, where do you think you're going?!!"
The third mouse replies, "Home to shag the cat."
|
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: "Poor me syndrome" Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
26. The Toilet : You can learn to leave the seat up
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<rintz.html> - last update: <Monday, 06-Jan-2003 20:00:40 GMT Standard Time>